Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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