I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
