One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
