So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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