Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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