remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I know her cup size but not her name....
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