I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize