She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
