why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
