I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I wish I only lived at night.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I'm experimenting with sincerity
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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