i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
