i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
