I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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