my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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