If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
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