I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize