I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
