My hair reeks of homosexuality.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
