Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
