I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Randomize
