Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
