no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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