woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
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