my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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