I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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