I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
