Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize