thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Randomize
