sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I need moral support for this bender
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
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