News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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