my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
