last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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