All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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