I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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