Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
