How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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