youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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