my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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