I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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