Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
