I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
