I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Randomize
