Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
