Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
