Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
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