I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
