Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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