I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
