she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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