can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
You can't special order awesome
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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