How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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