Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Randomize
