seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
