Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
