My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
