Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
The adults are the big ones right?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
