Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize