oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
